She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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