but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
