I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
