Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
