Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
