Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
