just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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