I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
