Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Randomize
