thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
