I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
