His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
