I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
