idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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