In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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