Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
