can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
