Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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