I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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