i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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