I got her a Nickelback box set.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
