I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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