a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
