3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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