cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Actions speak louder than pants.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
