I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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