Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
