Betty ford says i'm here all night
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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