I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Randomize
