areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
