Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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