my vag is so smooth its legendary
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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