even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
