Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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