i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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