If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
