Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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