why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
