No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
