I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
