I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
