My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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