So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
