evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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