He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Idk if I want to put a bra on
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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