I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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