I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
