Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
