We're like a lot better than the average bears
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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