@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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