she woke up with a sticky ear
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
