I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
