I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
