I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
They left me at home... I'm a liability
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
