how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
