worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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